With Halloween just two weeks away, you're no doubt thinking about what you're going to be this year. A witch? A ghost? Hey, how about something even scarier: Pavel Datsyuk?
Egad.
This Datsyuk mask is one of five licensed NHL Bleacher Creature face masks. The other four: Jonathan Toews, Sidney Crosby, Claude Giroux, and Alexander Ovechkin. Each retails for $11.99 at the NHL store.
That price may seem steep to you, especially for a piece of paper and a bit of string. But it's a recession, people.
I mean, sure, you can probably make one of these masks at home for free. That might even be less effort than digging your credit card out of your wallet. But consider the following: first, your mask will be unlicensed, which means you'll be wearing a face foul, and second, your mask won't be "printed on a perforated material to allow a full range of sight and speech," which means you'll have to cut eyeholes out of it. Are you prepared to lose Datsyuk's zombie eyes, clearly his mask's most frightening element?
Now, even if you do purchase one of these masks, your costume is hardly complete. If wearing a person's face over your face was all you needed to truly become that person, Hannibal Lecter would have become that one guard from Silence of the Lambs. If you're truly committed to being Pavel Datsyuk, for instance, you should spend most of the night slipping up behind people and stealing their candy.
And as for the other four:
Going as Jonathan Toews is a tall task. Don't enjoy yourself. That's a must. Now, you'll be wearing his face over yours, which makes it difficult to have a purgatorial wasteland behind his lifeless eyes. But, on the bright side, wearing his mouth over yours should give you a very realistic Toewsian mumble.
Other things you'll need: a drunk friend, a seething hatred for Ryan Kesler, no sense of humour whatsoever.
Far and away the most fun costume, because going as Alex Ovechkin means eating your candy as you go and staying out waaaaaay past your curfew. If you happen to see a kid that looks like Phil Kessel, mock him mercilessly and take photos with your cell phone, especially if he's alone.
Tuck the back of your shirt into your pants. Rather than knocking on doors, jump into them. For added effect, travel with shots vodka and a hot Russian lady on each arm.
Since Sidney Crosby doesn't go out at night, your best option is to sport this mask during the day. Unfortunately, Claude Giroux does go out at night, and if you really want to sell a Crosby costume, you should follow a kid in a Giroux mask around and hack his wrists every time he knocks on a door.
If you can find a bald, creepy guy to follow you around, raving like a lunatic about great you are while standing too close to people, all the better. Pierre McGuire will probably do it himself if you call early enough.
Finally, if someone asks you a question -- like, say, trick or treat? or what are you supposed to be?-- be sure your answer is as clichéd as possible.
For maximum realism in your Claude Giroux costume, you should be accompanied by a Peter Laviolette lookalike that will tell everyone that you're wearing the best costume in the world. And a friend who falls down all the time.
Casts on both wrists will sell the look. Offer to share your candy with others, then eat it yourself right in front of them.
Finally, in honour of Ilya Bryzgalov, your pillowcase should probably have a hole in it.
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